July 30, 2014

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Humor for Wednesday

Since I am getting older… I thought these humorous:

o A walk can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a Nursing Home at $4,000 per month.

o …And then she asked “What’s the best form of birth control after 50?” … I said “Nudity”

o The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

o I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing…

o Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

o The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, he looks good doesn’t he.’

o I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

o If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

o I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,…Just getting over the hill.

July 19, 2014

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Dull? Never dull around here

My husband and son are on their way home from a week long boy scout summer camp. I am excited to have them back. It has been an odd couple of months. The company I work for is outsourcing my job so I will be out of job around December – their timing stinks. My kids are hitting puberty and making their emotions go up and down faster than an elevator on steroids. I was hitting a middle age crisis after my mom died last year and just bought a puppy. I have to be a crazy woman.

With all that in mind I have been wondering if I should work from home… maybe do digital scrapbooking. Love that stuff. I was looking around at options to get business stuff printed and found printing nyc. Cool site. I like the way they set up their site. Still… all of this is on the back burner until I can get a plan outlined and decide how much money we need coming in to the household. We’ll see… I’ll keep you posted. If you hear of any part time (10 to 15 hours a week) IT jobs, let me know!

July 16, 2014

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Humor for Wednesday

Read this before and I have to say I still laughed at it!!!

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country’s most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have. John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity… Move to Guam.

Change your name.

Fake your own death!

Whatever you do.

Do Not Go!!!

I know.

The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should have known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.

Whatever you’re thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He’s about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake — the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way, Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. (‘T-minus 15 seconds and counting .’ Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, ‘We have liftoff’.

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.

‘Bananas,’ he said.

‘For the potassium?’ I asked.

‘No,’ Biff said, ‘because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down.’

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast.

(No call sign — like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot. But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would ‘egress’ me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.

We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Colin Montgomerie.
And I egressed the bananas.

And I egressed the pizza from the night before.

And the lunch before that.

I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.

I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G’s, I was egressing stuff that never thought would be egressed.

I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G’s were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

I used to know ‘cool’. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now Ireally know ‘cool’. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn’t go up there again for Derek Jeter’s black book, but I’m glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he’d send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it?? I asked.

‘Two Bags.’

July 9, 2014

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Where did the summer go?

I can’t believe it is half over. Wow. We have been busy with virtual math, camps and vacations. I have been working longer hours… Looking back at the calendar, we have had drama camp a couple of times, minecraft art camp, a week off with mom, and the inlaws over. We have made a flag cake for 4th of July. My oldest went to percussion camp for two weeks. We have missed a lot of music lessons. Which makes a difference for the trumpet / piano / guitar player. It is hard to be a great player when you don’t practice enough and don’t get lessons to fix those problem areas. Oh well.

Along with all of that, I had a midlife crisis and purchased another puppy. She comes home in this weekend. Her name will be Gypsy. I hope I made a good decision, considering I fell off my bike and fractured my hand after I bought her. More as I get time!

June 12, 2014

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Humor for Wednesday – a day late

What do you get when you cross a cheetah and a burger? — Fast Food!

Why was the math book sad? — it had too many problems.

What did the buffalo say to his kid when he dropped him off for school? — Bison

June 12, 2014

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And the winner is…

the elementary school. What?? No joke. They got the grades and scores updated on the online system first. That was on Tuesday… it is now Thursday and … no scores for the middle school kids. Interesting. Guess it is not just the middle school kids that have issues with organization and emotions. ;-)

June 10, 2014

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Summer Is Here

Whoa… I can’t believe it is already summer. I also am planning on taking more time off with my kids this summer. Hope they don’t mind! Working hard this week so we can play more in the future. Life is never dull now adays with my job going to be gone soon, trying to sell my mom’s house and my oldest going through puberty. Did I mention I am going through menopause? Yaa, just adds to the fun. Can’t wait for the kids to read this when they get older. HAHAHAHA.

June 5, 2014

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Summer Break

A couple of months ago we took down the swing set.  It lasted longer than most in south Florida because I painted it year after year.  But the kids outgrew it and the last two years it didn’t get painted and it rotted.  My husband and his father and the boys took it down and threw it away.  Now it is time to look for a new one.  Why because they need something out in the yard… I saw a swing set in chesapeake va that looked pretty awesome.  If I could find one around here so I didn’t have to pay shipping charges it would be nice.  Though our last one cost a fortune because we had to go a couple of hours south to find the place.  Maybe something is closer to me now!  I need to swing.  I love swinging in the sun.  Yep, need a playset with swings on it!

June 4, 2014

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Humor for Wednesday

Received this in an email and had to share it… I laughed at these!

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra.

Slight variations were acceptable.


About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

 

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee… This is your peepee on drugs.

June 3, 2014

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Last week…

If I can just hold it together for a few more days.  Yesterday sucked at work, spent hours putting together a pc and put a file in the wrong place and ta da… infinite loop at reboot.  Which when right along with the trumpet teacher calling to move the time… and we had an award ceremony to attend which was at 6:30, requiring me to get the boys fed… as it was, it worked out – or so I thought… as I had to leave work early to send some cash into school for a teacher gift.  Got home and the internet was working so I had to fix that as I was hurrying out the door to get the youngest.  Go get his trumpet exchanged, go to lessons, hurry home to get the other child from the bus stop (ie beat the bus) only to get a call that the bus had not arrived at school.  D’oh.  Turn around, go get the kid (hey we have an award ceremony for him) at school, pick up another kid for a friend.  Get home, start dinner, walk the dog, get a shower, get dressed and get everyone out the door by 6:05.  D’oh.

The ceremony ran WAY TOO LONG but my son walked away with 3 metals (1 for solo snare, 1 for duet snare and one for MBA – all superiors) and a trophy for Jazz band and a pin for knowing all his scales.  Pretty awesome.  Way to long, but awesome.  Now to make it through Wednesday night Scout ceremony of Court of Honor.  D’oh.

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