More Humor for Wednesday

Ok, I’m late getting this posted today. Hey, it’s my birthday and I’m getting OLD… or so my children tell me. Hence, I went out to the internet and looked up some old age jokes that I thought were funny… some because I can see it being me!!!

An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!

- – - –

I’ve sure gotten old. I’ve had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But…..Thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!

- – - -

A husband a wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to document the occasion. One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marriage and longevity. The wife replied that they had never been sick.

The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, “So, you’ve never been bedridden.”

And the wife quickly replied, “Oh, 1000′s of times, and twice in a buggy.”

- – - -

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” was the reply.

“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, “Oh, you look about 29″.

“I am actually 47.”

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.”

Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?”

The old lady replies, “I was behind you at McDonalds.”