Humor for Wednesday

January 30, 2013

Humor

Oldies but goodies…

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
gift… The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I
bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’

‘No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first. “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started…..

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby
table.I asked her, “Do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed,”He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been
sober since.”

“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?”

And then the fight started…

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer..
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home
one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then
went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I
handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.She asked, “What’s on
TV?”

I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started…

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped
quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to
back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled
back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I
cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.She
said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started……

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’

And then the fight started…

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy
with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

And then the fight started……….

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver
got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said
I am NOT Happy!’

So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’

That’s how the fight started.

One Response to “Humor for Wednesday”

  1. pam Says:

    Those are good! Thanks, I wanted to laugh this morning…