One Happy Dog Speaks

Being a mom, this made me crack up! -vwbug

Waitress at café serving breakfast when a Mother and her little boy walk in.

Waitress: “So, what will it be?”

Boy: “I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN”

Sudden silence, everyone in café turns to look..

Embarrassed Mother: “Eggs… he would like some eggs.

My Champ got neutered yesterday… so doggie humor for today!

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie:
Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund:
You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle:
I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? I’ve got this hangover.

Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.

Greyhound:
It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:
First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?

German Shepard:
Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID, “STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!”

Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

Cat:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

What kind of dog can use the phone?
a Dial-Matian

What kind of dog would you find in a cave?
a Bat Terrier

Which dog is very obedient?
a Sit Bull Terrier

What do you get when you cross a small dog and a large boat?
a Ship Tzu

What did the hungry Dalmatian say after his meal?
“That hit the spots!”

Why are Dalmatians no good at “Hide and Seek”?
They’re always spotted!

What dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha

Where do the dogs go for the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade?
New Yorkie

What’s black and white and red all over?
an embarrassed Dalmatian

At the Irish wedding reception, the D.J. yelled…

“Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”

The bartender was almost crushed to death, but is expected to survive.

A nice way to call someone a ‘bast*rd’.

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, “We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for $5 a hole?” The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”

The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation….. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”

Yes I am a female. Yes I still find this funny!

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault ‘Clio’ and the Ford ‘Taurus’ they have designed the ‘Clitaurus’. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won’t be able to find it – let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

(Picture of Einstein in a police uniform with caption): 186,000 miles per second. It’s not just a good idea, it’s the law.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Black holes really suck…

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, How much for a beer? The bartender replies, For you, no charge!

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ve lost my electron”.
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…

Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated.

The teacher said to Danny: “Why are you in the floor?”
Danny said: “Because you said to do this Math problem without Tables.”

Why was the math textbook so sad?
He had a lot of problems!

A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
“Sorry I can’t serve you,” states the barman.
“Why not?!” asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.
“You’re under 18.”

Ok, this is an oldie… but right now dealing with Microsoft, this made me laugh out loud!

A Blonde goes to K-Mart to buy curtains. She says to the salesman, – ‘I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.’

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, – ‘Seventeen inches.’

‘Seventeen inches?’ asked the salesman. – ‘That sounds very small, what room are they for?’

The blonde says, – ‘They aren’t for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.’

The surprised salesman replies, – ‘But Miss, computers do not need curtains!’

The blonde says, – ‘Hellllooooooooo… mine has Windoooooows…’

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

Man: 15 years.

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where’s your Ferrari?

Doggy Dictionary
LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: A liquid that, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get drool on the human.

SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.

BATH: If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous and they use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.

LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command “sit!” especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn’t get the attention you require…especially effective when combined with the sniff. See above.

CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.

Found on the internet… lots of funny dog humor out there…