A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: ‘Well, that’s great….that’s just great…. Some a$$hole’s got my pen!’

FOR A GOOD LAUGH……This is for the over 50 generation:

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it,
and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-ul-ating”. You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, “Paper or Plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot.”

A Blondes Phone Call To Her Mom

“Hi Mom, it’s me.”
“Hi Sally, are you okay? Aren’t you
With your father at the Ace Hardware?”

“Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they’ve let me make one phone call.”

“What happened?”

“Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face.”

“What on earth… Why did you do that???”

“Well, it really wasn’t my fault.

Dad told me to find a “Black and Decker.” Mom I knocked the stuffing out of her.

Some back to school humor!

Physics Teacher: “Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn’t that wonderful?”

Student: “Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything.”

===

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” inquired the teacher with a sneer.

“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

===

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”

The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”

The little girl replied, “My homework.”

===

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

===

The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, “What did you learn today?”

The kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”

Ok, I’m late getting this posted today. Hey, it’s my birthday and I’m getting OLD… or so my children tell me. Hence, I went out to the internet and looked up some old age jokes that I thought were funny… some because I can see it being me!!!

An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!

- – - –

I’ve sure gotten old. I’ve had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But…..Thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!

- – - -

A husband a wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to document the occasion. One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marriage and longevity. The wife replied that they had never been sick.

The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, “So, you’ve never been bedridden.”

And the wife quickly replied, “Oh, 1000′s of times, and twice in a buggy.”

- – - -

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” was the reply.

“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, “Oh, you look about 29″.

“I am actually 47.”

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.”

Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?”

The old lady replies, “I was behind you at McDonalds.”

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

and…
.
.
.
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally… .I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Priceless.

Hello Folks… will have lots to talk about later in the week… but right now we are on vacation. Enjoy some humor! I don’t usually post youtube… but I thought this was particularly funny. Funnier still when my youngest son walked behind me about the end of it and asked if it was a clone trooper or a lego man in the video. Baw hahahaha.

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
— Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation.. as you grow older, it will avoid you.
— Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty … but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
— Phyllis Diller

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”
— Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
“No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
— Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
— George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
— Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
— Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
— Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech Every now and then she stops to breathe.
— Jimmy Durante

I have never disliked a man enough to give his diamonds back.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
— Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
— Rodney Dangerfield

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
— Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires… but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
— Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
— Joe Namath

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
— Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
— W.C. Fields

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
— Billy Crystal

The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.