Larry’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,”Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ? ”

*****

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, ‘Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Larry quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’

*****

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom …’

Have You Ever Danced?
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old man, have you ever danced?” The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance… never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said, “Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No sir….. but… I’ve always wanted to.”

There are two lessons for us all here:

Don’t waste ammunition.
Don’t mess with old people.

I just love a story with a happy ending!

Fact of Life:

After Monday and Tuesday…
even the calendar says

W T F.

Some old, some new… always funny!

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn’t help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
———————————————————————–

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
————————————————————————

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
———————————————————-

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
———————————————-

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!
———————————————–

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
—————- ———————————

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
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The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

The economy is so bad I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the
counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

The economy is so bad that CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient
Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned
their children’s names.

The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking intoMexico .

The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally…

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.

Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the
people who made $15 TRILLION disappear!

It’s the same temperature in Pensacola… what is wrong with this picture?

Though the record low is 35F in 1925… 85 years ago… wonder if they wondered about global warming back then? Oh, and I forgot, the average hi is 76F… Cold Cold winter.

Yes, yes… I know it is a ‘Hallmark Holiday’ and I don’t care. It is fun making cards with the kids and giving extra hugs… and then there is the comments they make that are so unexpected. Sorta like my youngest at Karate yesterday. Sensei M starts the questioning with my youngest child…

Sensei M: YoungOne, who is the most important person in your life?
YoungOne (Tot): Mom… **slight pause here** because she is the oldest in our family

Total outbreak of laughter from all the parents. Yaa, he just had to ask my youngest first. The rest of the kids behaved and just said Mom or Mom and Dad… Stinker… Good thing he is so cute! It will be a valentine to remember. Though Sensei M was great in that he told the kids, which are all boys right now, to let their mom’s sleep in and give them a kiss after they woke up. Gotta love our dojo!

Southern Wife

THERE WERE THREE MEN WANTING TO GET MARRIED. THEY DESIRED A HOUSEWIFE TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF THEM.

The first man married a woman from OHIO. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away..

The second man married a woman from MICHIGAN. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from the SOUTH. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm had healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

How twins are made:

This was just too cute… I got it in an email and had to put it out for the humor!