The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally… .I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Priceless.

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation.. as you grow older, it will avoid you.
— Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty … but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
— Phyllis Diller

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”
— Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
“No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
— Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
— George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
— Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
— Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
— Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech Every now and then she stops to breathe.
— Jimmy Durante

I have never disliked a man enough to give his diamonds back.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
— Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
— Rodney Dangerfield

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
— Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires… but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
— Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
— Joe Namath

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
— Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
— W.C. Fields

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
— Billy Crystal

The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

Two businessmen in New York were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store
wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some Puerto Rican is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old Puerto Rican man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, “What ya sellin here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”

Without skipping a beat, the old Puerto Rican said, “Must be doing well… Only two left.”

Puertorricans… Don’t mess with them!

= = = =

ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. S.x is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse … then things just keep getting worse.

Well, it’s sh.t … that’s right, sh.t! Sh.t may just be the most
functional word in the English language.

Consider:

You can get sh.t-faced, Be sh.t-out-of-luck, Or have sh.t for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your sh.t together, find a place for your
sh.t, or be asked to sh.t or get off the pot.

You can smoke sh.t, buy sh.t, sell sh.t, lose sh.t, find sh.t, forget
sh.t, and tell others to eat sh.t.

people know their sh.t, while others can’t tell the difference
between sh.t and shineola.

There are lucky sh.ts, dumb sh.ts, and crazy sh.ts. There is bull sh.t,
horse sh.t, and chicken sh.t.

You can throw sh.t, sling sh.t, catch sh.t, shoot the sh.t,

or duck when the sh.t hits the fan.

You can give a sh.t or serve sh.t on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep sh.t or be happier than a pig in sh.t.

Some days are colder than sh.t, some days are hotter than sh.t, and some
days are just plain sh.tty.

Some music sounds like sh.t, things can look like sh.t, and there are
times when you feel like sh.t.

You can have too much sh.t, not enough sh.t, the right sh.t, the wrong
sh.t or a lot of weird sh.t.
You can carry sh.t, have a mountain of sh.t, or find yourself up sh.t
creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to sh.t and other times you fall in a
bucket of sh.t and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of
the English language.

And remember, once you know your sh.t, you don’t need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a sh.t; or not do so if you don’t
give a sh.t!

Well, Sh.t, it’s time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do
give a sh.t and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of sh.t. But, if
you happened to catch a load of sh.t from some sh.t-head………..
Well, Sh.t Happens!!!

Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny and so many others.

And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* I was just in London ; there is a 6-hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. ” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”

* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I am 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand? ” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”

* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

*Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school..

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It’s called, ‘Debbie Does Dishes’.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Q: What’s a Jewish American Princess’s favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale’s.

*A man called his mother in Florida , “Mom, how are you?” ” Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.” The son said, “Why are you so weak?” She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in
38 days.” The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?” The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, “What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” “The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won.. Let’s eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.

Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that Isn’t 20% off.

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I’ll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a High-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the
Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or
China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I’m just glad I could be of help.

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, ‘Where did you get that truck???!!!’ He calmly told them, ‘I bought it today.’

‘With what money?’ demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

‘Well,’ said the boy, ‘this one cost me just fifteen dollars.’ So the parents began to yell even louder. ‘Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?’ they said.

‘It was the lady up the street,’ said the boy. I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.’

‘Oh my Goodness!,’ moaned the mother, ’she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.’ So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

‘Well,’ she said, ‘this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn’t intend to come back).

He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.

So I did.’