One Happy Dog Speaks

Quotes – I loved these!!!

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
Eleanor Roosevelt

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible.
George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
Mark Twain

By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men, to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech – every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.
George Burns

I don’t feel old – I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
Bob Hope

Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

And here we go…

#10 – You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 – You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.

#8 – If you admire a friend’s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 – Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 – Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 – A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.

#4 – Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 – A gun doesn’t ask, “Do these new grips make me look fat?”

#2 – A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason why Men Prefer Guns over women…

#1 – You can buy a silencer for a gun

An apparent Drunken Cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh Amarillo Theater.

When the Usher came by and noticed him, he whispered to the Cowboy, “Sorry, Sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The Cowboy just groaned but didn’t even budge.

The Usher became more impatient and insistent: “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Once again, the cowboy just groaned.

The Usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to get the cowboy to move, but without success.

He just laid there in a dazed stupor.

Finally they had enough and summoned the police.

A Texas Ranger arrived, surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “Alright buddy what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the Cowboy moaned.

“Okay, Sam,Where ya all from?” asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, a grim expression and without moving a muscle, Sam said, “The Balcony.”